Yes, we Cannes!

Cannes Film Festival had it all: Deepika’s Bengal tiger sari & Aishwarya’s dark-yet-floral gown; alas, gum-baring Akshay & patriotic Kangana were missing. BTW, if we have a Cannespur, what would happen to Kanpur?

We have arrived! Yes, if you read the news, you can see us arriving every day on various international platforms, conquering new frontiers, and the rest of the world quaking in fear over our exploding glory, but this is ‘arriving’. I speak of the Cannes Film Festival celebrating Indian cinema in its 75th edition, of course. And choosing our ancient, glorious land as the first “Country of Honour” at their Marché du Film! (That’s French for ‘March 31 is due date for film tax’, BTW.) Take that, World Health Organisation, global indices, inflation, libtards, unemployment, Aurangzeb and … er … Jean Paul Belmondo.

And that’s not all; our very own Deepika Padukone was on jury duty. The actor showcased her proud Indian heritage on the red carpet in a striped black-and-gold Sabyasachi sari, inspired, apparently, by the Bengal tiger. Patriots on Twitter were quick to point out that it’s the Bengal tiger that had passed Hindi Prathamik, and is not a fan of Didi at all.

At the inauguration, Deepika spoke eloquently. “We have the talent, we have the ability,” she said. “And I truly believe there will come a day when India won’t be at Cannes, Cannes would be at India.” This immediately sent desh bhakts back home into frenzy. How was Cannes going to be brought to India? Would bulldozers be employed? Or would SS Rajamouli create it using CGI and name it Canneshmati? Could we call it Cannespur instead because Canneshmati sounds like a rice variety? If we have a Cannespur, what would happen to Kanpur? Hey, wait a minute, both of them sound like Khanpur! Let’s ban Cannes.

When asked about how she would critique films, Deepika responded with an essay that mentioned burdens, responsibilities, the girl child and what could have been select sections of the Negotiable Instruments Act. I have requested my go-to financial adviser, fashion consultant and philosopher Ambujam Mami to decipher the profound Vedantic meaning within.

Padukone also said, “I want to thank Rahman sir and Shekhar sir for putting India on the global map and creating a path for all of us to be here today”. The Bengal tiger in her sari apparently whispered to her, “Sister, heard of Ray? How about Mrinal Sen, then? Or Bimal Roy?” but was quickly shushed.

Meanwhile, Cannes veteran Aishwarya Rai Bachchan made heads turn 720° with her Dolce & Gabbana gown that unofficial sources say was inspired by a hearse. It was a funereal black on one end, and had resplendent flowers popping out of it at the other, just like the ones we pulled off garlands and threw on the roads when we celebrated Painter Pandi’s funeral with pomp and gaiety.

Sorely missed was Akshay Kumar. While he too was part of the delegation (obviously!), he couldn’t make it because a pesky, unpatriotic strain of Covid had infiltrated itself into him. Rumour was he had planned to come dressed as Prithviraj Chauhan. And the prankster he is, bare his gums and stab international celebrities in the back with a dummy sword.