Satire | Tamil Nadu should implement 14-language formula

Satire | Tamil Nadu should implement 14-language formula

I am an eminent North Indian intellectual and a permanently aspiring politician. I have an opinion on everything, especially issues on which I am not qualified to speak. I like to give lectures, especially to people who have no interest in my opinions. I can afford to do so because I have connections, I have influence, and I know how to use ChatGPT. I am also very humble. For all these reasons, I want Tamil Nadu politicians to follow my advice on how many languages they should teach in their government schools.

I speak two languages (both of them softly). They are Hindi and English. It is true I don’t know Tamil. But I love Tamil. Tamil culture is amazing, just like Hindi culture. Brilliant guy, your Thiruvalluvar. So here is my humble submission: junk your 2-language formula. Be more ambitious. Think bigger.

As I have explained in many wonderful videos on my social media channel (do subscribe, if you haven’t already), children have an unlimited capacity to learn several different languages simultaneously. Therefore, restricting them to two languages is a terrible idea. True, a 3-language formula is not much of an improvement over a 2-language formula. According to a new paper published in the Harvard-Cambridge Journal of Advanced Mathematics, it turns out that ‘three’, numerically speaking, is only one more than two.

In other words, a 3-language formula would force children to learn only one language more than a 2-language formula would. This is a travesty in a country renowned for its linguistic diversity and lack of public investment in education. Ideally, the poorer a country, and the worse the condition of its government schools, the greater should be the number of languages forced down the throats of school children. And given the recent changes in our economy, Tamil Nadu’s language policy needs to be upgraded — from a 2-language to a 14-language formula.

Why 14? I say 14 because that’s the number of years of mandated schooling (if you include LKG and UKG). An average adult can easily learn a brand new language in six months. Since we’re dealing with children, let’s go easy, and double the time required to 12 months. So, a child can start by learning one language in LKG, a second language in UKG, a third language in Class I, and so on until she would have learned 14 languages by the time she clears Class XII.

Now the big question: what should these 14 languages be? I suggest we adopt a system of ‘core’ and ‘elective’ languages. Three languages — Sanskrit (best language ever), Hindi (every thinking Indian must know the sections of the BNS under which he can go to jail for thinking), and Gujarati (the language of our masters) — would be ‘core’ or mandatory. For the remaining 11 (elective), the student can pick from a menu of 72 languages. As a strong advocate of co-operative federalism, I believe state governments should have exclusive say in picking the 72 languages.

How to organise 72 language teachers in every school? That’s easy: AI. Millions of grown-ups all over the world are turning heptalingual overnight using AI-driven language teaching apps such as Dua Lipa. For children, given their superior language learning aptitude, picking up 14 languages in 14 years would be child’s play.