Column | Let me swear them in

I am excellent at saying ‘I’. Happily, it is also the most important word for the swearing-inner

Watching the grand ceremony on June 9, I couldn’t help thinking I’d make a great swearing-inner. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be President. All I’m saying is they could hire someone like me for the actual, physical part of the job, like the Railways hires caterers to feed passengers.

I’m not seeking a permanent job. A contractual position with no PF, no holidays, and no fixed working hours is also fine. I would do this for free, except that it might give the impression anyone could do it. Anyone can’t. I’m sure Mahatma Gandhi would be hopeless at administering oaths — he was too obsessed with truth.

I, on the other hand, have what it takes. First of all, I am excellent at saying ‘I’. My wife says the most common word out of my mouth is ‘I’. Happily, it is also the most important word for the swearing-inner. Since I have a lifetime of practice, there would be zero chance of stuttering, stumbling or mispronunciation.

As for compensation, I’m willing to settle for ₹50,000 per ‘I’ per minister. With two ‘I’s per minister — one for the oath of office and one for the oath of secrecy — I would have earned a modest ₹72 lakh on June 9. Friends who know about my unique talent tell me I should charge different rates for different categories of public officials. The highest rate should be for the President, which could be ₹2 crore, since it is a matter of national prestige. India might be a poor country, but you don’t want a cheap oath-administrator at a ceremony attended by ORS-sipping oligarchs.

The next highest slab would be for the Prime Minister, set at ₹1.5 crore. In case a prime minister-designate has a massive ego and takes umbrage at being sworn in at a lower rate than someone else, I don’t mind accepting an extra ₹51 lakh. But that has to be in cash, as there obviously can’t be a money trail if we are bending the protocol. Some Marxist types may find this remuneration too high for an evening’s work. But do consider that swearing-in is the most important act of a public official. No cabinet minister can do a single thing — no one will even pay them a bribe — unless they do this first.

Thinking ahead, I also conducted an oath-taker survey across states and Union Territories. Turns out, swearing in is not a one-person job. There are way too many posts and I can’t be everywhere at once. Even if I could, what about my carbon footprint? So, I would need a Secretariat, like the NHRC. We could call it the National Commission for Swearing-In (NCSI), headed by the Swearing-In-Chief (me). The NSCI would have mini-secretariats in every state, and a staff of 2,000 to serve filter coffee, rava dosa, and ras malai to visitors.

Some people feel the NSCI head should be chosen by a three-member committee consisting of the prime minister, leader of the Opposition and a prominent crony capitalist. I disagree. I feel the judicial model would work better to preserve my automoney. So I was thinking I could be appointed India’s Swearing-In-Chief by a collegium, consisting of my uncle, my aunt, and my gastroenterologist.