Column | Table tyranny

Explore the writer's humorous critique of modern dining experiences, highlighting frustrations with restaurant booking and guest treatment.

Dear readers, have you ever met this writer in person? No? Hearty congratulations. I would not recommend this in even the gravest scenario. Even my children understand. When they come home after school, and if I open the door, they look at me and say: “Oh no.”

But if, perchance, you were to meet me, you would immediately think to yourself: “Now this is a man who is handsome in the same way that men used to be handsome in the 1970s.”

By which I mean that they were jovial fellows with tremendous facial hair and a generous approach to body mass index.

The point I am making is that I am positively inclined towards a good eatery. Not for me the distractions of fancy decor, discerning dress codes, and other such pretensions. Give me a good menu, generous portions, efficient wait staff, and a fair bill, and I am severely thrilled.

Today, my friends, I am going to take issue with the food and beverage industry. Now, as some of you might be thinking already, I have previously, in these pages, lamented the rise of QR code menus.

Today, I have the great misfortune of informing you that the QR code was just the tip of the disappointment iceberg. The decline of the modern restaurant extends far deeper than I was ready to accept.