Get it right or get eaten: the fate of football ‘experts’ 

Here’s a secret I can share with you as we await the final in Qatar. The Netherlands will win the fo

Here’s a secret I can share with you as we await the final in Qatar. The Netherlands will win the football World Cup. How do I know this? I know because my cat is psychic, and indicated this. I laid a bunch of books before her to represent the countries – Diego Maradona’s biography (Argentina), Johann Cryuff’s memoir (Netherlands), Pele’s coaching manual (Brazil), David Beckham’s story (England), Tim Parks’s book on Verona (I know Italy is not in the World Cup, but this is a trick question), and waited to see which one the cat settled on.

This, I believe, is the scientific way of exploiting the psychic abilities of innocent animals. You will remember Paul the Psychic Octopus who was right eleven out of 13 times at the 2010 World Cup, even getting right the Spain-Netherlands final. There was Nelly the Elephant who got 30 of 33 right across two World Cups, and in Qatar, Taiyo the Otter who predicted Japan’s win over Germany.

Paul was offered a transfer fee of 32,000 dollars by a zoo, although there is no record of what he was offered by betting syndicates.

Then there was Flopsy the Kangaroo, Yunona the tiger, Big Head the sea turtle, Dirty Harry the crocodile and Pele the piranha. Doubtless, I have upset some members of the animal kingdom by leaving out their contributions. Ah yes! Leon the porcupine.

My favourite story concerns Rabio the Octopus who predicted every result involving Japan in 2018, and might have won the Predictor of the World Cup Award if he hadn’t been chopped up and served for dinner before the round of 16. Cassandras, like the original in Greek mythology, are sometimes fated to be killed.

Each animal had a different way of predicting. Some dashed towards one football or the other painted in the colours of the countries playing. Others chewed up one or the other of the flags. I am not sure what the octopi did, but I suspect they had two of their eight tentacles painted in the appropriate colours and someone kicked a football towards them to decide the winners.

Luckily the animals got it wrong enough number of times to keep experts on television and sportswriters in business. They got trolled on social media too, like the rest of us professionals.