Cyrus Broacha’s guide to getting through the Indian monsoon

Cyrus Broacha’s guide to getting through the Indian monsoon

Our research is in. And by research, I mean data. Oh, and, don’t worry, we didn’t turn to AI Instead, we just asked some 13-year-old genius in Bengaluru, who had free time in between start-ups. The data I speak of revolves around how to improve this column. We have just three main areas of concern. Which comes as a huge relief.

Frankly, I was expecting that number to be more like 93. So, three areas of concern? “Well done”, I said to nobody in particular. (Mainly myself). Since the MOU signed between you, dear reader, and myself, speaks of transparency, let me list the three, right here. They are: grammar, punctuation, and content. Except for these three areas, there are no other areas of complaint. Well done, team! (Once again that happens to just be me).

However, my editor, a sharp, sophisticated, erudite lady, who has four post graduate degrees, none of which have been paid for, likes to have a positive spin to life. She suggested, (when I say suggested, I mean absolutely ordered), that I write from an advisory capacity. Her exact words were “Take my advice, Indians love advice”. Then she asked the security guards to let go off me. They took her advice. So, did I.

This column, hence, has now metamorphosed into an advisory column where this writer uses his years and years of experience of doing virtually nothing to dish out random advice that cannot be corroborated or validated by any official, authentic authority. Oh, and yes, please don’t ask for data to match the advice as we were advised long ago to always offer advice without any corresponding proof, research, record or data, so that all parties are at ease, legally speaking.

Now today’s advice is all about monsoon. In many parts of India, monsoon is at full tilt. Sadly, after more than 3,000 years of recorded monsoons, we Indians still seem to have no idea of how to cope. Who amongst us has not lost the odd ancestor to flash floods, open manholes, toilet malfunctions, or sanitation repair? If there is such a person, or persons, please stand up. Actually, please don’t. This is a printed article, I have no idea if you are standing or not.

Thus, the first piece of advice is to avoid all public spaces. These are the disaster zones, which have basically remained the same for 3,000 years. To offset tragedy just stay away from both, public and public spaces during rain. Also, avoid the public when it’s sunny as well.

Let’s now once again turn to the ‘less is more’ technique when it comes to clothing. This is a complete reversal to the population debate, where the phrase is ‘More is always much more’. It is highly frustrating to see our fellow countrymen, walking around in full suits, pleated trousers, jeans, corduroy, colourful blouses, saris, sherwanis, and much more. This is frustrating on two counts, firstly how do you expect to cope with the monsoon in a sari for instance? Secondly, how dare you wear suits, saris, fancy trousers and skirts, when you very well know we are supposed to be a ‘gareeb desh’ or poor country? That’s the kind of false advertising that can bring down both, the country’s image and GDP, in less than a weekend.