The Most Damaging Things You Can Say To A People-Pleaser

Here's how to make life easier for the people-pleasers you know.

The best way to please a people-pleaser? Understand where they’re coming from.

For people-pleasers, the tendency to put their needs on the back-burner and prioritize other’s desires usually stems from childhood. A child learns how to people-please by first learning how to parent-please.

“During their formative years, these individuals likely received validation and approval when they fulfilled their parent’s needs, creating a link between self-worth and meeting external expectations,” said Imi Lo, a therapist and owner of Eggshell Therapy.

The goal in adulthood for people-pleasers should be to unravel learned behaviors and make the shift toward self-compassion, but that’s not a particularly easy task.

“It’s a process of breaking free from the conditioning that shaped their tendencies,” Lo said. “A people-pleaser needs to recognize the importance of self-care without feeling selfish or guilty.”