It's A Universal Truth — The Holidays Are Exhausting For Women

Between an unequal division of labor, tradition and cultural expectations, here's a reframe to help you give yourself (and your host) a little grace.

Even if you haven’t seen “The Bear,” you probably saw something about “Fishes,” the sixth episode of the second season, wherein the Berzatto family holds a chaotic and tense traditional Italian Christmas Eve, celebrating the Feast of the Seven Fishes. Donna, the family matriarch (played by Jamie Lee Curtis), spends much of the episode in the kitchen, preparing the full feast and largely rejecting help while cooking timers go off in all directions and members of the extended family yell at each other and the TV. By the end of the episode, Donna has a full meltdown (which we should note was also fueled by drinking), lashing out at the rest of the table, even as they attempt to offer their support and appreciation. But first, she confides in her youngest son: “I make things beautiful for them, and no one makes things beautiful for me.”

It’s no secret that the “most wonderful time of the year” isn’t wonderful for everyone. We see relatives with whom we might have strained relationships. We might be tempted to compare our homes, families and celebrations to those that others are posting on social media. And if we’re the ones hosting, we often have to knock out a massive to-do list, all while continuing to balance the responsibilities of daily life. It’s little wonder that holiday hosts can end up physically and emotionally exhausted, and maybe even a little resentful.

Part of the fascination with that episode of “The Bear” likely had to do with the fact that many of us can see ourselves in some part of that family scene: the matriarch who wore herself thin cooking all day, only to feel unappreciated, or one of the relatives whose attempt to show appreciation or help backfires, only resulting in greater ire. You don’t need to come from a family that’s as emotionally volatile as the Berzattos to relate, at least a little bit, to holiday tension.

“So many individuals can easily get caught up in the unrealistic expectations that they must host the ‘perfect’ holiday event,” said Courtney DeAngelis, a psychologist at NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center. “This perfectionistic line of thinking creates standards that are impossible to achieve, and incredibly stressful to strive toward.”

For many, this comes from a sense of obligation — a host might feel personally responsible for making the holidays wonderful for everyone else, even at the expense of their own time and well-being. And while any host can feel this sort of pressure, there is a marked pattern of holiday responsibilities falling on women in particular.