Satire | The government should make criticism a criminal offence with 35 years’ imprisonment and a fine of ₹25

As a crorepati Indian politician put it last week, “In a democracy, there is no place for those who criticise the democracy”. Even assuming that your country is an alleged democracy whose alleged democratic institutions are being allegedly undermined by alleged majoritarian bigots, a truly sanskari patriotism would demand that you keep quiet about it and not say a word. It is this element of ‘Sarva Shreshta Vishwa Blah Blah’ that lends Indian democracy its unique beauty. And it is this unique beauty that Rahul Gandhi is destroying — by using words and sentences.

I woke up this morning with some strange questions: if you are living in a fascist country, can you disrespect fascism? Obviously not, right? What if you are living in a communist state? Will you then criticise communism? Not unless you want to end up in your country’s equivalent of the Gulag.

Alright, forget about ideologies. In any case, politics in a civilised society should have nothing to do with ideology or morality — it should only be about power and money. Imagine you were living in a mature dictatorship — in a country where a dictator is ruling with the support of two-three oligarchs. Can you criticise the dictator? Again, you can’t and you won’t — not unless you want to offend the sentiments of the dictator or his paid/ terrified followers.

So you see, whichever modern political system you take, it is simply not acceptable to criticise it when you are a living member of it (do what you like after you’ve died and become  atma, no one will object, except maybe other  atmas). Then why should it be okay to criticise a democracy when you are living in that selfsame democracy? Who are you to invent separate standards of free speech for democracy? Does democracy belong to your father’s house? No. Have you paid income tax without availing single exemption? No. Have you ever tried a cow dung facial? No. Then wherefrom comes this sense of entitlement that you can criticise Indian democracy?

Let me point out, for the benefit of all the blind bhakts of Rahul Gandhi who are reading this, that India is not just any democracy but the greatest one in our solar system. It is a democracy that regularly holds the largest ever elections where advanced EVMs cast their ballot through human voters for politicians sponsored by shell companies through an ancient Indian financial instrument called electoral bonds.

Unlike, say, England, which is the mother-in-law of democracy, or America, which is the sister-in-law of democracy, India is democracy’s only mother. That’s why I also, like every patriotic Indian, feel angry at Rahul’s refusal to apologise for criticising the mother of democracy in the mother-in-law of democracy.

As a  crorepati Indian politician put it last week, “In a democracy, there is no place for those who criticise the democracy”. Even assuming that your country is an alleged democracy whose alleged democratic institutions are being allegedly undermined by alleged majoritarian bigots, a truly  sanskari patriotism would demand that you keep quiet about it and not say a word. It is this element of ‘Sarva Shreshta Vishwa Blah Blah’ that lends Indian democracy its unique beauty. And it is this unique beauty that Rahul is destroying — by using words and sentences.

If he wanted, he could have mooed his criticism, like cattle in India have been doing for thousands of years. Or he could have written it down in a diary and buried it in a time capsule with instructions for it be retrieved on the first full moon night of the next Dvapara Yuga. He can still do it. But we know he is too anti-national to do something like that. There is only one way out if we want Parliament to function normally again and start passing bills the democratic way — quickly, with no discussion. The ruling party and the Opposition must reach a compromise.