I'm unlearning the shame that came with my diabetes diagnosis
CBC
This First Person column is the experience of Emily Brass, the host of the CBC podcast Type Taboo: Diary of a New Diabetic. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.
I was sitting on the exam table at a walk-in clinic, that crinkly paper beneath my legs. I was there for a fairly minor problem and expected to be done quickly.
But when the doctor came in, his expression was serious. I could tell something was wrong.
"Your blood glucose is high," he said, spouting off numbers that had no meaning to me. I was stunned and probably looked perplexed.
"You have prediabetes," the doctor said. "Do you eat a lot of candy? Soda pop?"
I told him I didn't. I eat mostly vegetarian food, including whole grains, fruit and veggies. Sure, I had some treats here and there and enjoyed a good pub night. But I'd actually just lost 40 pounds.
"Wow, I wonder what your blood sugar was before," he responded, which didn't make me feel better. The doctor gave me a pamphlet and sent me off. I felt blindsided and was still unclear what this really meant.
The pamphlet urged me to eat … well, pretty much the way I already was eating. I was also walking about 90 minutes a day.
Unsure what else I could do, I went on with my life, mostly forgetting about prediabetes. Looking back, I guess I was in denial.
A year and half later, I moved to Winnipeg. I still didn't have a regular physician, so I visited another walk-in clinic. Again, the doctor's recommendations were to stop eating junk food and lose weight.
I mustered some courage and confessed that losing weight has been a lifelong struggle.
His reaction was to laugh right in my face. My throat got tight, my cheeks started to burn. I felt shocked and ashamed that a doctor found my health troubles amusing.
He handed me a flyer for a weight loss group. I told him I couldn't attend since I work the evening shift. He shrugged and sent me on my way.
Still fuming, I began to wonder if he wasn't acting especially sympathetic because he thought I was to blame for my prediabetes. I started detecting a similar attitude in other places, like movies and podcasts, even casual conversations.
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