'Chosen families' have redefined Christmas for these 3 immigrants

Moving to Canada from Singapore meant losing close social connections for Iris Akbar, but Akbar says the gift was in finding an affirming space with friends that became like family. 

Akbar, who uses both he/she pronouns, said Canada meant finding safety as a queer person. 

“But that also means I have lost or strained connections with my immediate family, which was very heartbreaking,” she said. “Having close friends … [is] one of the things that I needed to reestablish in Canada.”

Eventually, he developed friendships where the friends welcomed him to celebrate their personal traditions. 

“I got to know their families as well, their parents, and we've been invited to festival seasons like Eid and Thanksgiving. And these are the folks that I spend my time with.”

The term ‘chosen family’ was first used in a 1991 book by American academic Kath Weston, describing how gay communities found support through friendships at a time when their communities were under intense pressure during the HIV/AIDS epidemic. 

Akbar said he has come to find friends that are like family throughout the prairies. 

“What I usually tell my kids is that, ‘Hey, these are people that we love to be with, people that we can enjoy ourselves with, [with whom] we can be our authentic self.’” 

Knowing just how important this comfort can be to newcomers, Akbar said she now hosts gatherings for people who, like her, came to Saskatoon to study and who are now looking for kinship. She also encourages others who perhaps don’t have those connections to reach out to intercultural organizations that provide support.

“So they know that they have a whole community that they can turn to.”

Moose Jaw-based therapist Kelly Tennant said for people who have to suppress or hide pieces of their identity, like being queer, going to traditional holiday celebrations can bring a lot of pressure to conform.

"When they're with their chosen family, they can just really lean into enjoying the holiday for what it is and for a lot of people who have chosen family in their life, it can be healing."

When Nura Mehammed moved to Saskatchewan in 2022 from Sudan, having fled from Eritrea, her only connection was to her family’s private sponsor, a childhood best friend of her husband’s who helped the couple and their two children settle.

She and her family are Muslim and their sponsor was Christian, but their religions didn’t get in the way, she said.