Things Hollywood has to stop doing

Tired of the same old in American movies? All it takes to change the script is one good Indian

Listen up, Hollywood. Enough is enough. This stuff has been done to death and needs to stop.

Whether they’re playing CIA, FBI, a police officer, private investigator or futuristic warrior in a black latex onesie, from ScarJo to PriCho, why do they all insist on wearing three-inch heels? However good the film or show, I’m done the minute I see a female officer of the law in heels. All I can think is, ‘There’s a chase coming up, young lady. You ought to know that, you read the script! Please, please don’t tear a ligament. Then you’ll have to do the whole RICE thing, which is bloody tedious.”

No Hollywood movie is complete without a bunch of car scenes. Moms talk to their kids, policemen banter with partners, friends go on road trips – a lot of the story unfolds in speeding cars. And in every single movie or show, the idiot driver takes his eyes off the road for what seems like the duration of an Indian film while talking to the passenger. Moms are constantly turning back to shush the kids. Please stop it. I’m sick of shouting ‘watch out, watch out, you moron’ at the TV.

Why does every movie have an all-knowing African-American woman – with a permanently disapproving, disbelieving look – a close friend of the protagonist, who constantly keeps telling her off? She doesn’t accept a single thing the lead character does, believe a single thing she says, and is forever on the verge of saying ‘I told you so’. Lose her, for Christ’s sake. Get yourself an Indian friend ... who’ll steal your job and help you get a fresh start.

Also known as creaky voice (introduced in India by the always-ahead-of-his-time Ulaganayagan in 1986), this is a tendency on the part of young Americans, often women, to deliver their dialogue as though someone has sandpapered their vocal chords. I am told this is considered sexy and powerful. To me, they all sound like Ambujam Mami when she got laryngitis that one time she did a 24-hour marathon Lalitha Sahasranamam.

If you’ve seen only three Hollywood films, you’d have heard this exact dialogue in two. Always used by the lead character’s friend to boost her before a big date or console her after a break-up. I don’t think there can be that many Americans who are uniformly smart, funny and sexy. Tweak it a bit, writers. Make the friend Indian and she could say ‘You have green card, you have milky complexion, what for you...’

American movie characters are always on medication. And they never take pills in ones. And they always swallow the damn things without water throwing their heads back. (I need three glasses of water to force-feed myself half a paracetamol.) I keep thinking if the character doesn’t choke to death he’s going to have permanent whiplash. Stop it.