How to be a bestselling writer

Ditch ‘conline’ courses and self-help books for a name change and the right literary connections

Hark, all ye writer aspirants. Stop buying those useless books that claim they can turn you into a bestselling writer overnight. Don’t join those conline courses on offer either (buy a pair of Bata flip-flops instead). Given below – completely free of cost – is all you need to become a bestselling writer with immediate effect.

Right name

First and foremost, the name. If your given name is Muniyandi, face it, you’re never going to be a bestselling writer. Ideally, you need a three-name name. And it has to be the right combination unlike mine … which is Golt (for the unversed, that’s Teluguvaadu). Alas, I found out too late Golts don’t sell. The foolproof combination would be a Bong-Mallu mix. It’s unbeatable. For instance, if your name is Kanakasabai, change it to Sadviniyog Menon Bandopadhay. 5,000 copies guaranteed. Or better still, Ananya Sengupta Chakkaparambil. It doesn’t matter that you are a hairy man with a belly like a ghatam, you’ll sell.

Right connections

There are ten people, all of them in Delhi, who can make you. Or ignore you. They include three editors, two lit fest organisers, one gora, three lit agents and an All-in-All Alagaraj who has navigated every literary wormhole there is. I will give you their phone numbers and Aadhar Cards if you message me. Free. Seek them. Lie down in front of their doorways and refuse to budge. Bestseller guaranteed.

Right title

Forget the content, what you need for a bestseller is the right title. Keeping today’s market sentiment in mind, herewith a few sample titles that I urge you to use freely: A Concise Dictionary Of Nehru’s Faults; How I Learnt To Love Hindi and Stopped Worrying; My Nation Is The Greatest In The World, Shuttupp! Shuttuppp! Shuttuppp! Or if you want to take the romantic route, I’ll Meet You On Valentine’s Day … With My Stick. I have a hundred more that you can have for free.