Cyrus Broacha’s personal security solutions for Mumbai

Cyrus Broacha’s personal security solutions for Mumbai: Keep your curtains drawn, lights off, and your dogs close

People, please forgive me. This article is going to be replete with typos. I know, normally we have a 30% typo average, but I warn you this one may be over 50%. Hey, hang on a minute, there’s a reason for this. Let me explain. In case, I’ve spelt, explain incorrectly, try and rejig the dots. Oh, in case I’ve spelt incorrectly, incorrectly, again rejig please. Oh, and in case I’ve spelt rejig… okay I feel I’ve made my point.

Now, the reason for the typos is beyond my control. It’s because of the world we live in. I’m writing this article with the curtains closed, in absolute darkness. This is all to do with the attack on the Bollywood superstar Saif Ali Khan. In case I’ve spelt Saif Ali Khan incorrectly, please rejig. Again, in the case I’ve spelt incorrectly, incorrectly…er okay moving on. My wife, Ayesha who has warned me never to take her name in print, has flipped out after this attack. If this can happen to a popular, wealthy, superstar, it can definitely happen to his polar opposite, me. The wife demanded, we review our own internal and external security.

First up, we reviewed the building’s CCTV performance. Like most Malabar Hill citizens, it wasn’t working. Apparently, it last worked in round two of the pandemic, when residents were more worried about who was going out rather than who was going in. Then she made a hullabaloo, (this word should rightfully be spelt incorrectly, by all like-minded educated citizens), over the building gate.

The gate’s, lock was found, but, the key apparently, was borrowed by someone to break his tambakoo. I tried to assuage her about our internal, security. That is, our two dogs. But, quite frankly, one dog is over friendly, and would possibly side with the assailant, as she really warms up to strangers. The other one is scared of people. Actually, forget people, he fears, leaves, plastic bags, sneezes, coughs, bags opening, and the mention, the very mention, of Coldplay concerts.

The building does have its share of ‘unfriendly’, children. However, that only scares adults like me, from entering. Plus, we can’t place the children everywhere at different entries and exits, at odd hours of the night especially na? I mean, I was smart enough to suggest it, but the building committee shut that down, immediately. As for the actual watchman? The watching part is covered, but to actually expect them to stop burglars, terrorists, gangsters, and assassins is a bit too much. At the moment, their stopping capacity ends with Zomato delivery boys, and any guest of mine seeking parking.

Hence, we’ve kept the flat dark, curtains closed, lights off, preparing for both, a break in, and, an air raid. Now, this may have worked in Britain during the Second World War, but I don’t really know how effective it’s going to be against your friendly neighbourhood knife wielding assailant, who may or may not have come from Bangladesh. If I’ve spelt Bangladesh incorrectly, please rejig on your own. If I’ve spelt incorrectly, incorrectly… let’s both just call it quits, here. Ok? 

The writer has dedicated his life to communism. Though only on weekends.