Tweezing highbrows

At the elegant soiree where conversations ranged from the God Particle to Pavlov’s dogs, Srinivasa Ramanujan to A K Ramanujan, G H Hardy to Thomas Hardy...

Every once in a while, I’m invited – and compelled to go – to a gathering full of academics. It’s my worst nightmare. Second only to being in the front row of a performance poetry session.

I was at one a couple of days ago. The former, not the latter. It had scientists, mathematicians, sociologists, anthropologists, professors of literature, and my wife, Dr. V. Not to forget, me, someone, who till a couple days ago, thought ‘PhD’ stood for ‘Professional Higher Degree’ with the ‘h’ being in lower case on account of an ancient typo that no one rectified.

At this point, it might be good to share with my readers that I achieved my academic pinnacle with a Bachelor of Arts degree in something called Corporate Secretaryship. And I got it ‘studying’ at a college which I visited as a guest-student on three full occasions in a corresponding number of years. Mainly to bribe the peon for my hall ticket.

At the elegant soiree, as Western classical music played in the background, the scintillating conversation ranged from the God Particle to Pavlov’s dogs, from Srinivasa Ramanujan to A K Ramanujan, from G H Hardy to Thomas Hardy while my own oeuvre, as you know, is limited to dissemination of body fluids and Kangana Ranaut’s wooden horse.

For a bit, I walked about with a fixed smile on my face not unlike a trainee flight attendant’s, nodding my head as if I understood the proceedings, my grey hair and glasses temporarily camouflaging my lowbrow proclivities. But I couldn’t help feeling like Mr Bean in a Swarovski showroom.

It was only a matter of time before the giant crash I figured. Followed by glass shards everywhere, bleeding feet and screaming women – and my being whisked away to evade the constabulary.

Thankfully, my old friend John Walker came to my rescue as always. One down, and my fears disappeared. As I tossed the second large down the hatch, I was ready to arm wrestle Noam Chomsky.