Trauma was my gateway drug. Love was my pathway back
CBC
This First Person column is written by Maria Volk, who lives in Calgary. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.
My head was pounding from a migraine and the sound of my cell phone ringing non-stop. After the third call, I realized I should answer.
"Hello?"
"Maria. We lost Dana last night," says my brother-in-law Derek.
"Well go find him for frick sakes. I'm in Saskatoon. What do you want me to do?"
Irritated, I hung up. Immediately the phone rang again.
It was Derek, repeating the same thing. I hung up a second time. But within seconds, I realized what he was trying to tell me: that my brother — my best friend, the man my kids' called Daddy Uncle — was dead.
This was the moment when my journey of pain and addiction began — not with pot or another so-called gateway drug — but with grief and trauma.
Lucky for me, the love and support of family and friends has kept me around to also share my story of my healing.
That night two years ago, I stepped outside gasping for air and looking for escape. I tried to light a joint but wasn't able to breathe. I couldn't get the hoot in as deep as I needed to numb and calm my soul. In disbelief, I called my brother's cellphone, then home phone, then checked his Facebook Messenger.
My family was mourning, but I wouldn't join in. I couldn't accept this new reality. So I cared for others instead — my daughter in college, my brother-in-law. He was the one who found his husband of 15 years dead in the tub. My brother was 48 and we still don't know what killed him.
Stuck in that trauma, I discovered cocaine. Man, what a drug! I was hooked instantly. It was exactly what I needed to keep me numb and dumb, yet quick enough to work.
One day using cocaine turned into two; sometimes three in a row. Then I would crash for 24 hours and have a little bit of food. I spent rent money, borrowed from my family to pay for my drug habit. I was spiralling and spent my days staring out the window, crying even through a cocaine high.
Finally, my boyfriend said he couldn't take it anymore. He said, "I feel like I'm sitting here with two ghosts. Your brother's and now slowly watching you die."
P.E.I.'s Public Schools Branch is looking for 50 substitute bus drivers, and it'll be recruiting at three job fairs on Saturday, June 8. The job fairs are located at the Atlantic Superstore in Montague, Royalty Crossing in Charlottetown, and the bus parking lot of Three Oaks Senior High in Summerside. All three run from 9 a.m. until noon. Dave Gillis, the director of transportation and risk management for the Public Schools Branch, said the number of substitute drivers they're hiring isn't unusual. "We are always looking for more. Our drivers tend to have an older demographic," he said.