Thousands of Canadians miscarry every year. For them, Mother's Day can be a reminder of loss

For many, Mother's Day is about celebration — a day when the roles are reversed and children are meant to let their mothers know just how much they mean to them. 

But for the estimated one in 10 mothers who have suffered a miscarriage or lost a child, the day is often one of grief.

"There's the moms that get to hold their baby in their arms, and the joy and the messy breakfast in bed, and all that stuff you see on cards and on posters — the symbolic, typical Mother's Day. But for those of us who have had a loss, Mother's Day can be very difficult," says Nancy Slinn, coordinator of the Metro Vancouver Empty Cradle Bereaved Parents Society.

Slinn became pregnant the first time she and her husband Peter tried in 1988 and thought it would be easy to have more children. But in the years that followed, they suffered through two miscarriages, a surgery, and then, a stillbirth. 

"I can still remember every detail of all my losses, especially the day that we lost our stillborn daughter," Slinn says, speaking from her home in New Westminster, B.C.

"I still grieve for them. It's a different kind of loss now, all these years later, but it's still there. The pain never really goes away."

In Canada, almost 100,000 couples every year lose a child sometime in the period between becoming pregnant and the first six weeks of their baby's life, according to the Centre for Studies and Research on Family Health Intervention.

For some mothers, that means suffering one loss in their lifetime, but others, like Slinn, will endure numerous miscarriages or infant deaths. 

"Losing a baby at any stage and for any reason is one of life's most devastating experiences. Not only have you lost the physical baby, but also all the hopes, dreams and plans you had already begun to create for that child since you knew of their existence," Slinn says.

It's one of the most common kinds of loss people experience, says Heather Mohan, a grief counsellor and co-founder of Lumara Bereavement, a non-profit based in Parksville, B.C., about 150 kilometres northwest of Victoria. It's also one of the least talked about. 

"I think there is a lot of silence because people are not sure how to talk about it, not sure how to approach it."

The result is that parents often feel invisible in their grief, Mohan says. 

"And consequently, when something is invisible, there's not corresponding funding or services to provide supports or programs, because nobody has identified it as an issue or as a problem."

On Mother's Day, that sense of invisibility and isolation can feel particularly strong because while these women will always be mothers, not everyone will know or recognize it, Mohan says.