Satire | Epiphanies on January 20, when Donald Trump took oath as the 47th president of the U.S. Premium

2025 plan: become a mediator, refuse Nobel Prize, mediate conflicts from dogs to world peace, inspired by Donald Trump.

My plan for 2025 is to start a new career as a mediator. I would go around mediating wherever I see conflict. For my sustained contributions to conflict-resolution, I would be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, which I would refuse — because I am not doing it for personal glory but to make the world great again.

For example, there are lots of dogs near my place. They keep having loud arguments over who is the top dog, who is the underdog, and who is the hot dog. Sometimes things get physical — just like with humans. But the next time I see a bunch of them fighting and overturning flower pots or something, I would mediate. If they don’t listen to me, I would pick up a hose and spray water on them until they stop fighting.

Or, if I see two cows fighting on the road, I would remind them of their public image as non-violent creatures, point to their exalted status as gods, and what kind of example they are setting for their human devotees. But I would not physically intervene because what if one of the cows suffers a brain haemorrhage and I get beaten up for it? You see what I mean? Mediating is not an easy job — it requires talent, smarts, and an aptitude for deal-making.

I won’t stop with cows though. If a married couple were to follow the bad example of the cows and start fighting and demanding divorce, I would immediately mediate. I would draw their attention to the sanctity of marriage in our ancient culture and tell them both to drop it. In return, I will allow them to pay me not more than 30,000 bucks each plus 18% GST.

The idea is to start small, with petty disputes. Once I have built my brand identity as a mediator — which I intend to do by sharing my learnings on LinkedIn — I will gradually work my way up until I become the go-to option for mediating geo-political conflicts. If all goes well at this level, I can set up a successful practice mediating inter-planetary and/or inter-galactic conflicts.

My friends are asking: why this sudden switch to mediation? Am I not happy doing journalism? Much as I love journalism, it is not enough. I don’t mean this financially, though it does pay peanuts. What really bothers me is the lack of impact.

It all began with an epiphany I had on January 20: a journalist can only report on a conflict, but a mediator can resolve it. Two hours later, I had a second epiphany: conflicts are growing all over the world. And then, I had one last and final epiphany: why not turn conflict into an opportunity to make money? That’s when I knew I must become a mediator.