Regret is misunderstood

Regret can be an empowering tool once we are familiar with the ways it manifests in our life

Since I can recall, a common grouse against regret as an emotion is that it is unattractive, old-school and a sign of weakness. Although unsure how the undesirability of regret gained ground, by the time I was an adult, regret had been institutionalised for its ungainly appeal, for the confident, independent human.

We heard claims, “I have no regrets, regrets are pointless”; or veiled threats from adults, “If you don’t do this today, you will regret it when you’re our age.” The irony, too, was visible all along. Was it possible to live a life with no regrets even if we proudly insisted, we have none? So, when Daniel Pink’s research-backed bestseller The Power of Regret gained word-of-mouth, I found in it some answers that had piqued me for a while.

Let’s first touch upon the widely popular notions about regret, that it makes one look back to decisions and choices that we cannot change, that it is a weak emotion, and a sign of weakness, and that optimists must only look forward and ahead. 

In his book, Pink calls having no regrets ‘a philosophy of life for many over years… nonsense, even dangerous’. In what is now called the World Regret Survey to challenge widely-held assumptions about emotions and behaviour, Pink explains that regret carries a positive, constructive and transformative force to work smarter and live better.

One of the most brilliant examples of the potential of regret is in the research-supported data that reveals that the bronze medallist in a competitive sport is almost always happier, and more contented than the silver medallist. Termed as the solace of ‘at least’ versus the sting of ‘if only’, because human beings are built to seek pleasure and to avoid pain. The irony, however, ends here. While ‘at least’ preserves our feelings in the moment, it rarely enhances future choices and performance. While ‘if only’ makes one feel small today, it is a cue that leads one to introspect, strategise and prepare for tomorrow. It is almost always the silver medallist who will pick up the pieces, introspect and interrogate the loopholes in training, re-train and strive for the gold in the next opportunity. This is a compelling sampling of the power of regret; a much maligned and misunderstood emotion.

A lot of this misunderstanding is in the connection drawn between ‘having no regret’ and ‘living with courage’. The human discomfort with admitting a flawed choice or hardship in the past is at the heart of this misunderstanding. The research data turns this on its head and suggests that having no regret means continuing to live without reflection or learning from a mistake; whereas all improvement and progress springs from learning from the past.

The opportunity in regret as a useful emotion is best understood in the four categories that Pink arrives at, gleaned from reams of responses in the diverse survey: