No Matter Their Finances, There's 1 Thing All Moms Stress About

Our commitment to being "good moms" leads us to make very different decisions, and it shouldn't be that way.

The first night after we brought our son home from the hospital was a long, rocky one. Every 20-30 minutes, he woke, screaming, and, in a groggy haze, I brought him to my breast precisely as the lactation consultant and all the nurses had instructed me. But after a few moments, he would unlatch his tiny mouth and throw his head back to shriek. His face turned bright red with all the effort he was expending. It was clear that I was failing in my primal duty to feed my baby. I was terrified: How would we make it ’til morning? I was also filled with shame.

We eventually figured out how to meet my son’s need for nourishment. He is now a lanky 15-year-old, and I have to crane my neck in order to make eye contact with him. But I still hold a vivid memory of that night, and the fear that arose from not having the food my child needed.

The work of feeding our children is central to parenting at every stage, and if we struggle, or are criticized, it cuts deep. In researching her book, “How The Other Half Eats,” sociologist Priya Fielding-Singh interviewed parents and children from 75 families, observing four of these families in depth, to learn about how parents decide what to feed their children.

Predictably, she discovered sharp differences between low-income and high-income families. But she also found a through line. While their circumstances were worlds apart, the mothers (the overwhelming majority of her subjects identified as such) were driven to see themselves as “good” moms in a culture that promotes what Fielding-Singh calls “intensive mothering,” which positions moms as pretty much solely responsible for keeping their kids healthy and happy and well-fed.

“Mothers across society, across racial, ethnic groups, across socioeconomic status, all have the same motivation, which is to feel like good mothers,” Fielding-Singh told HuffPost.