Love and its newfangled terms Premium

Explore the rise of ethical non-monogamy among married couples in Tamil Nadu, reflecting changing relationship dynamics and societal norms.

Chennai-based entrepreneur Madan Raj* and his techie wife Vandana Raj*, both 30 years old, are on a popular dating app — together and separately. If this is confusing, you have just been introduced to the world of ethical non-monogamy, or ENM as it is popularly called in the online dating stratosphere. The couple date other people on the app, with each other’s consent, while being transparent to the people they date. “We were high school sweethearts who got married young. We realised we wanted to explore dating other people while being committed to each other,” explains Mr. Madan.

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ENM, as a concept, has been growing among married couples in the last 15 years and the pandemic turned out to be a catalyst, not only in Indian metros but also in smaller towns and tier-two cities, including Guwahati, Lucknow, and Bareilly. As the acronym suggests, ENM refers to a couple committed to each other either as primary partners or a married couple, opening their marriage/relationship to find other suitors/lovers/partners within the parameters of a mutually agreed framework, with clear rules and communication guidelines.

“Healthy boundaries, clear communication, and mutual respect are the cornerstones of any relationship; and when you open up a marriage or a once-committed monogamous relationship, then the need for rules, clarity, and communication becomes even more imperative,” says Vidya Jebaraj, a Bengaluru-based marriage counsellor, who handholds couples looking to open up their marriage.

One has to rely on surveys conducted by dating apps, the odd research paper, or news article for more reliable data and statistics on open marriages and relationships. On the contrary, anecdotal stories of couples in open marriages offer a plethora of insight and wisdom.

Married couples who have successfully explored ENM claim that it has not only helped build trust in the marriage but also spiced things up, especially when a relationship has lasted until it hit drudgery. “We opened up our marriage after a decade of being married and after two kids; our ENM is clearly structured, ensuring nothing impacts or disrupts our lives together or the kids. It has helped build trust, and has even made us happier,” notes Selvam Durai*, 40, based in Chennai.