I love nursing in the cardiac ICU. But I worry the system itself will flatline

This First Person column is written by Heather Häberli who lives in Calgary. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

Ventricular fibrillation — it's a heart rhythm that is incompatible with life. One I'm all too familiar with. 

I'm a nurse in a cardiac intensive care unit. Just minutes ago, I initiated cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) for the man in front of me, and now my high-functioning team dances around our patient, a ballet of skill attempting to defy mother nature's plan.

Working alongside this team used to make me feel like I was part of something bigger than myself.

Until now, that was enough.

But in these last two years, I've felt like the system was collapsing around me. So were my normal stress coping mechanisms — so I'm sitting down to write about it instead.

That dance metaphor is an apt description for a day in critical care nursing. It's not always graceful. 

Sweat burns in the space where my N95 mask pinches my face and my abs ache. I continue CPR, putting much of my body weight behind each compression. I feel the familiar sensation of ribs fracturing below my fingers. I cringe, but I need enough force to get the heart to compress.

Strange, the thoughts that drift through my mind as I work. Like that it's been a while since I had time or energy to exercise. This CPR will (morbidly?) count as my workout today. 

I count out loud as I compress … 25, 26, 27 … a metronome to pace our ballerinas.

I hope someone else looks in on the patients for who I am the primary nurse. They're just as sick, but with staffing shortages, it seems life or death has become our triage system.

My mind drifts to the human beneath me during compressions.

I came into his room to replace his bag of norepinephrine and change the rates of his medication infusions. He was unresponsive because of the sedation, but I spoke to him anyway.

Then, as I organized the IV tubing (like every neurotic nurse does), his heart changed to ventricular fibrillation in a single, poorly timed beat.