Understanding death

We humans need to mourn, we need a chance to look at the face which had been part of our lives

My WhatsApp group of friends has given me a new nugget of wisdom to ponder about. It’s a thought in Malayalam loosely translated as, “A day will come when those who stood by me and those who were estranged from me, those who were closest to me and those who were my enemies, those who did not return my smile and those who hurt me deeply, will all gather round to speak a few good words about me and whose eyes will, for no reason, fill with tears for me.”

These words were accompanied by a picture of a corpse, with a label dangling from a big toe. The message filled me with sadness, probably because it was a reminder of one’s mortality.

Death, however, is full of significance for the living. The death of a near and dear one needs to be treated like a birth or a wedding in the family. We need to make the event memorable, to do all the rituals perfectly, and to have the most number of people in attendance before the mortal remains are cremated or interred. Relating all events (even the most insignificant) leading to the death and recollecting numerous anecdotes connected to the departed soul are prerequisites for accepting the greatest mystery of life.

But the pandemic has put an end to all such doings. Recently, when a close friend of the family died from a prolonged illness, we conveyed our condolences over the phone. Another close relative died of age-related causes and we put on two face masks each, had a glimpse of the body and rushed back home. When a relative died in a distant place, we did not even consider making the journey to have a last look at the familiar face. Everyone is very understanding about this unfeeling behaviour, but we are left with a feeling of something left undone, a vast regret.

The situation is even worse when someone dies of COVID-19. A friend of mine related how when her sister died at the peak of the pandemic, she could not even see the body. No last rites were done. It was as if, after a lifetime of living and laughing and grieving together, her sister had just vanished without saying goodbye. My friend says she was now always filled with an indescribable longing and a dead weight in her chest.

Personally, I feel that our duty is to the living and not to the dead. If we had been caring and generous in all our relationships, there would be no need to rush to a dear person’s side merely because he or she was dead, to exhibit our feelings of sorrow. Still, we humans need to mourn, we need a chance to look fully at the face which had been part of our lives, whether as friend or foe. We need to remember the times spent together before we say goodbye in our minds. We need to shed tears and share our grief with others before we come to terms with our loss and continue with living. Only then will some meaning be imparted to the life which has gone.

There is another side to it, of course. Many find it a great relief not to have to go on such occasions. In normal times, they would have been forced to put on a sorrowing face and pay their respects to some person whom they neither knew well nor cared about — or even disliked intensely. Social norms dictated their unavoidable presence and any default would have led to raised eyebrows. In such situations, the pandemic restrictions are rather helpful, as the mask hides almost all emotions and makes such journeys less onerous. One no longer has to mask one’s feelings when there is a cotton or polyester mask doing it to great effect!