Ho ho oh no: Ranking the new Netflix holiday rom-coms

Move over, Hallmark; Netflix is getting festive. 

While Hallmark's cable channel used to have the market cornered on Christmas-themed romance, the past few years has seen Netflix double down on mirth and merry. Some seasonal selections new to the streamer this year include Hot Frosty, The Merry Gentlemen and Our Little Secret. 

So which of these, if any, are worth watching while you sip your eggnog? We checked out all three to find out whether they're naughty or nice.

A bizarre mix of wholesome and steamy, The Merry Gentlemen follows the Hallmark holiday movie playbook to the point of parody. The story begins with Britt Robertson as Ashley, a Broadway star shocked to find herself aging out of her place in the beloved Jingle Bells Broadway chorus line. The only upside is she finally has time to go home to Sycamore Creek for the holidays.

Ashley arrives in the small town to find her parents trying to keep The Rhythm Room — the neighbourhood watering hole and once-legendary music spot — from closing. Their landlord is drowning in debt and threatening to replace the tavern with a (gasp) juice bar. In a logic-defying turn, Ashley decides the only way to bring back the crowds and revenue is by turning the bar into a male strip club. But where to find dancers?

Fortunately, Ashley literally bumps into Luke — the requisite hunky handyman — on the way into the bar.  

Chad Michael Murray brings John Schneider vibes to the party as the all-too-easy-going contractor who goes from fixing leaky faucets to dancing in a performance that looks like Stomp with extra sleigh bells. Joining him on stage are Troy, the bland bartender with abs aplenty, Rodger who is Ashley's sister's husband, a random cab driver who likes to bust a move and Danny, who's entire personality is just: barfly in a porkpie hat. I don't think these Dollarama dancers will be giving Magic Mike a run for his money anytime soon.

At this point, it would be germane to point out co-writers Jeffery Schenck and Peter Sullivan are Hallmark veterans, which may explain why Luke calls Ashley "city girl" and why the story displays a stunning lack of self-awareness. For a film made in 2024, The Merry Gentlemen treats shirtless men grinding to EDM remixes of The Nutcracker Suite as the height of erotic entertainment. While the two leads manage to generate some sparks, the manufactured last-minute crisis feels as artificial as the fake snow that lines the streets of Sycamore Creek. 

Rating:  2.5/5 candy canes  

The Lindsay Lohanaissance continues with this holiday-themed story of a former couple forced to hide their history.   Lohan plays Avery, who was once friends with and then romantically intertwined to Logan (Ian Harding). After an unsuccessful and humiliating proposal and their inevitable break-up, a montage whisks us through a decade of global events which bizarrely manages to squeeze in plugs for not one, but three separate Netflix shows.  

In present day, Logan and Avery bump into each other at a family gathering where their learn their respective partners are brother and sister. Cue the shenanigans as the frenemies try to cover up their past. 

Our Little Secret has a couple stumbling blocks, the first being the weak premise where Avery decided to deny her connection to Logan for fear of upsetting her boyfriend's judgmental mother (played by Kristin Chenoweth, who's talent is wasted here). Such a premise depends on there being some kind of residual romantic connection for Lohan and Harding to play up. But this couple is more passive aggressive than passionate. Superficially, Harding may have a kind of Adam Brody-adjacent appeal, but all he's serving is smug and sulky.  

In addition to the anemic attraction, Our Little Secret revolves around Logan having to submit a business proposal that is due on Christmas Eve, another manufactured plot point. While I will give Canadian screenwriter Hailey DeDominicis credit for raising the stakes with the absurd but entertaining Christmas climax, Our Little Secret belongs on the naughty list for romantic spice that's about as enticing as old fruitcake. 

Rating: 2/5 candy canes