Happy Humbleteen Birthday

All about the fund-raising, 10k-running, humble teenager who wants a community-minded profile to get into college overseas

There is a kind of person who realises suddenly that the world needs saving and they must do it. Neither superhero nor eager police recruit, not doctor nor teacher. This is an ode to the humble teenager: two words usually violently allergic to each other – humble and teenager. Yet, there comes a time when the teen’s heart melts into mush (the same stuff his brains will become with all that screen time, his mother threatens).

Overnight, he grows deeply caring of social causes, organising collection drives for flood victims and 10K runs in aid of obscure charities in even more obscure places – some so obscure that the teen couldn’t point them out on a map before he became deeply caring.

This moral conscience erupts when high-schoolers are made aware that they should build community-minded profiles to get into colleges overseas. They are now in desperate need of communities that will tolerate being saved. The wealthier ones net far-flung villages for their parents to fund solar lanterns in. The others hunt closer home.

A neighbour’s kid who had looked through me all her life (quite unbiased because she looked through everyone) rang my doorbell. Did my garden need raking? I pointed out that the 7th floor had no garden. Did my dog need walking? No. Cat? Tortoise? I told her she could take the pigeons that dirty my balcony for a long walk instead.

Her deep caring rampaged on. Did I have an elder whom she could read to? She could show him TikToks, she offered, or put on K-pop for him for an hour while she texted her friends. Would I give her a certificate for that?

Professional profile maker and faker firms put out an array of worthy causes to be had for a fat fee. How about a fund-raiser for the underprivileged? What brute wouldn’t donate for that? Photographers are hired and media is persuaded to cover the 15-year-old who runs up and down the stairs to raise money for (fill in the blanks) and here is the picture of him handing over the cheque. Parents lean on their unwary friends to like, share and subscribe to the deeply caring child’s vlog.

The teen profile industry is so high profile that the young ‘uns who actually feed a stray pup on the street haven’t a chance. Imagine the selfishness of saving one pup when your competitor opened an emu orphanage on Page 3! You just lost yourself a college seat, kid.