Fear, shame, guilt, lack of support: so many reasons why the culture of silence around child sexual abuse still exists

Recently, actor Khushbu Sundar and Delhi women’s commission chief Swati Maliwal spoke out about being sexually abused as children

Often the only sound a child being sexually abused makes is silence. Silence for myriad reasons — the manipulation, ignorance, fear, shame, guilt, which we as a society perpetuate and allow for children to be abused. And while it is the moral obligation of adults and the larger community to ensure children are protected, we continue to remain silent.

Why? Is it because of the discomfort we experience thinking of a child being considered sexually attractive? This then gives rise to the denial that our children can be sexually abused. Silence works to the abusers’ advantage. And unlike other criminals, child sex abusers (with the exception of organised paedophiles) also remain silent. Because most times they need to, considering their victims are often nephews, nieces, children of friends, students, daughters and sons, grandchildren, wards…

The recent child sexual abuse (CSA) disclosures by actor Khushbu Sundar, newly appointed Member to the National Commission for Women, and Swati Maliwal, Chair of the Delhi Commission for Women, have raised questions about the deafening silence of the millions who have/ are experiencing sexual violence. The response to their disclosure of abuse is indicative of the reason why the conspiracy of silence is maintained and abetted. By all of us.

Research and anecdotal evidence show that not more than 12-24% of children ever disclose abuse and even fewer report it. For every case that gets reported to the authorities, there are at least 10,000 others (a conservative estimate) that are not reported.

A study by Tulir in 2006 showed that school-going children did not disclose sexual abuse for a multitude of reasons, including fear that they will not be believed, or will be blamed and shamed. The fears also included losing love, further harm, not knowing who to tell, or what/ how to say. Guilt, self-protection and family preservation were marked as reasons for non-disclosure. The study also documented the responses the few children who did disclose were met with — they were either not believed, or blamed, or asked to keep it a secret. For some, nothing changed.

Some of the reactions to Maliwal’s disclosure also highlight the complete ignorance about the dynamics of sexual abuse. Netizens dug up an old social media post of hers where she claimed to be the “proud daughter of an army man”. Does that claim rule out the possibility of her being abused by him?

Relationships with people who abuse a child are usually fraught with contradictions. At one level, the child and the abuser may share a very warm and affectionate relationship, with the child often holding the abuser in high regard and esteem. But in no way does that detract from the child’s discomfort with the abuse. Making sense of this dissonance often insidiously affects various aspects of the lives of those affected by sexual abuse.